The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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