at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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