Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Its about making memories worth repressing
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
