Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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