I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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