WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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