the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i think im in europe. pls send help
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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