I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
