I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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