Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i came on her dog
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
