Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think your dad took our porno
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
