Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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