He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
