i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
