is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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