I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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