i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
