Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
