my phone needs a breathalizer
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
