You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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