mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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