I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
