she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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