What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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