I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
