I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
