so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
