There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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