i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
All I want is dick and wine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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