we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
