I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize