Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
