He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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