burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
