i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I bet he comes in French.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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