Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
