i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
