Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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