I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
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this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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