After last night, I could never be a politician.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
