Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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