after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
