I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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