I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
