the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
