I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
