I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
