What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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