Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
