listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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