I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
