the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
whose parrot is this?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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