Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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