Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
