I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
