I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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