Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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