Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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