You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
